We fund what shouldn’t exist.
A 12-week accelerator for founders with an idea so bad it might work, and nothing left to lose. We provide capital, desks, and relentless optimism. We take 51%. You take the risk.
The deal
Standard terms. Non-negotiable. Non-transferable. Non-refundable.
Other accelerators fund companies. We acquire founders. In exchange for $500,000 and a desk you will never use, Shitcubator takes a 51% controlling stake, your Friday nights, and the naming rights to your firstborn’s LLC.
- Equity 51% Controlling interest. We vote. You nod.
- Capital $500,000 Disbursed in installments contingent on vibes.
- Desk 1, shared Hot-desked with a company that no longer exists.
- Dinners Mandatory Every Tuesday. Attendance is not optional. Food is.
- Mentors 40+ Available on Slack. Seen by nobody.
- Exit None There is no exit. There is only the batch.
All terms include a 2% management fee, 20% carry, and a right of first refusal on your next three companies. Read the fine print we admit to.
The program
Twelve weeks. One outcome. No plan B, no plan C, no plans.
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W00
Intake
Sign forty-one pages. Surrender your cap table. Meet your new co-founder, assigned by us, from the batch.
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W01–03
Ideation
We help you locate a problem that does not exist inside a market that cannot pay for it. This is called product-market fit.
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W04–08
Build
Ship daily. Sleep never. Your only KPI is a chart that goes up and to the right, regardless of what it measures.
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W09–11
Growth
Acquire users at any cost. We recommend costs you cannot afford. We call this aggression. Investors call it traction.
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W12
Demo Day
One stage. Nine minutes. Forty investors. One ambulance. Statistically, it is for you.
Portfolio
Companies that escaped. Some of them voluntarily.
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Z W24
ZIRP
Zero-interest loans to strangers. No underwriting, no collateral, no questions.
Dead $1.2B peak -
M W25
MEALCUBE
Soylent, but for dogs. Dogs hated it. Dogs were not the customer.
Acquired, for parts $40M -
S W25
SLOP
AI-generated food photography for restaurants that do not exist.
Zombie $900M -
N W26
NOTHING
A company with no product, no revenue, and a $60M Series B.
Pivoted 9× $60M -
C W26
CLOUDCLOUD
Cloud computing, but for weather. The weather declined to participate.
Dead, gracefully $8M -
P W27
PARASITE
Subscription tapeworm. Cancel anytime. You cannot cancel.
Operating Undisclosed
Six of 214 portfolio companies are shown. The other 208 requested anonymity. We granted it, because we own them.
Partners
The people who will take your call, eventually, through a proxy.
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BF
B. Fontaine
Managing PartnerNot currently under investigation. Has never been under investigation. Will not be taking questions.
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G
Grant
Partner, in residenceWith the firm since inception. Handles allocation, disbursement, and all standard terms.
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TBD
Partner, Growth
Open seatAwaiting a qualified candidate. Or any candidate. Or a warm body with a LinkedIn.
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TBD
Partner, Scouting
Open seatThis position has been open for two years. It is, at this point, part of the brand.
Field reports
Unedited. Unpaid. Unwell.
“They took 51% and my sense of self. The t-shirt is very nice.”
Founder, ZIRP W24
“I have never worked harder for less money. I would do it again tomorrow, and they know it.”
Founder, NOTHING W26
“The dinners are mandatory. The food is a rumor. I have never felt more funded.”
Founder, SLOP W25
FAQ
Frequently asked. Never answered to anyone’s satisfaction.
Do I need a co-founder?
Yes. If you do not have one, we will assign you one from the current batch. They may be a stranger. They may be your landlord. They will be on the cap table.
What exactly do you take?
51%. Plus a 2% management fee, 20% carry, and a right of first refusal on your next three companies, your next two marriages, and your dog.
What if my company fails?
It will not. We do not allow that. If it does, it becomes a case study and you become a mentor. This is not a punishment. Mentors are paid in exposure.
Is this a cult?
No. Cults charge dues.
Is this legal?
Our lawyers have asked us to stop asking that. We have complied.
Can I keep my job?
No.
What happens at Demo Day?
You present for nine minutes. Forty investors watch. Someone leaves in an ambulance. Statistically, it is you.
Apply to
batch W27
Twelve weeks. Fifty-one percent. One shot.